Introducing Bess and Bubby… Bess and Bubby (Bubby is a Yiddish word for grandmother) have between them the experience of being mother and grandmother; elementary and high school teacher; professional peacebuilder, peace educator, and peace coach; humorist, and writer. They are deeply committed to helping parents and teachers create peace cultures at home and at school, so that our precious children can grow and thrive with peace as an embedded set of values and behaviors in their lives.

Bess and Bubby cannot promise to answer every question they receive, but they will take as many as they can right here on the website. Check periodically for updated Bess and Bubby responses. Meanwhile, read on, and do let us know how these suggestions are (or are not) helpful with your children!

Recent Bess and Bubby Questions and Answers Submitted by Our Readers

Dear Bess and Bubby…

Dear Bess and Bubby,
My daughter (Mindy, 8 years old) has a friend who engages her in imaginative play. At first I encouraged this because Mindy doesn't do it much on her own -- but lately I have been noticing that the scenarios with the dolls turn into interrogations by the "parents," and severe punishments to the "children" (the dolls). Afterwards I also notice that Mindy is more "mean" and domineering with her other friends. Should I intervene in their play or allow them their privacy? Should I limit her playtime with this friend? Speak to the parents? What do you recommend? K.P. in Annapolis.

Dear K.P.,
It sounds like your daughter's friend might have some issues at home that she is working out in her play with Mindy. Often, when children are punished harshly in their own family or have an unresolved issue in their personal life, they will re-enact it over and over again in play. This can sometimes be healthy, providing a necessary outlet for an eventual resolution of the situation. At other times, it can become more of an obsession.

In either case, your primary job is to work with Mindy about the effects of this play on her. We would suggest you initiate a conversation with Mindy about how she feels when her friend comes over to play. This might be appropriate shortly after the friend leaves, when things are fresh in her mind. You might share your observations of the pattern, along the lines of: "I notice that when you two play together the dolls are often in trouble and your voices sound very angry. How is that for you?" Follow this with a discussion about why her friend might want to play this scenario over and over again - if Mindy has been in that home she might have experienced some behavior that makes her uncomfortable.

This conversation can help Mindy reflect on how this repetitive play affects her. Your goal is to help her develop the perspective and the compassion she needs to deal with her own response to this situation, and help her decide what, if anything, she wants to do about it. Beyond that, you can also decide what you want to do about it as the adult in the situation. If you find that you remain uncomfortable with how this is going, you might consider seeking to actively engage the girls in some other play experience when that friend is over. Inviting them to bake something with you or do a big art project, might interrupt their play pattern enough so that the next time they have a larger view of what they can do together when they play.

Good luck, and let us know what happens!

Dear Bess and Bubby,
How do you feel about violence in fairy tales? Although there are other ways to solve problems, children identify with the hero(ine)s of stories and get satisfaction and comfort when the enemy, who represents a threat, is done away with by stronger, benevolent powers.

Bruno Bettelheim, in The Uses of Enchantment, says: "Such retribution assures children that the punishment fits the crime. The child often feels unjustly treated...and it seems that nothing is done about it...but the more severely those bad characters are dealt with, the more secure the child feels."

This question can also be applied to well-loved descendants of traditional fairy tales, such as The Wizard of Oz and Peter Pan. I welcome your thoughts. R.B.

Dear R.B.,
We agree that children need to explore the looming issues of good and evil through metaphors and fairy tales, and that they need exposure to the archetypes - the heroes and heroines - of strong, compassionate figures who can confront the dangers of life effectively. What we don't agree with is that this storyline always needs to be resolved through violence.

We all need to learn how to face our fears and projected demons, yet conquering them by greater force only heightens the message that 'might makes right.' We believe there may be better stories than some of the traditional ones - stories where the 'enemy' or 'ogre' can be transformed or dissipated rather than conquered in battle or through force.

The Wizard of Oz is a good example. In this story, children are exposed to the entire cycle of the archetypal 'heroic journey,' where the hero(ine) leaves the comfort of home on a quest, is tested along the way, finds the inner resources to deal with the 'demons' on the path, is fundamentally changed by the situation, and brings back a gift or a boon to his/her community that benefits all. Dorothy, the Tin Man, the Cowardly Lion, and the Scarecrow all discover their internal strengths - not by force of arms but by confronting their fears directly. By the time they meet the Wicked Witch head-on, they have already discovered that the Wizard cannot make them whole; that they already have within them that which they seek. They take on the Witch and her Monkeys with all the courage, strength, and wisdom they have always had, and therefore need only a bucket of water, not bigger armies or greater weapons, to melt her away and essentially transform her into her Good Witch alter ego.

Another thing to consider here is the lasting effect of violence on young impressionable minds. For many of us of a certain generation, although Flower and Bambi and Thumper linger in the imagination, it is the killing of Bambi's mother that reverberates in our nightmares. All the retribution in the world cannot erase the terror evoked in a young child's heart by the image of a parent being killed. As our children grow older and are exposed to more and more gratuitous violence in their entertainment, perhaps they harden themselves to its effects (which raises yet other issues...), but our youngest ones are extremely vulnerable and susceptible to the images and messages they perceive. We suggest parents be as attentive to what their younger children hear and see in stories and movies as they are to what their older children might be exposed to on the internet.

We recommend a book called The World's Best Fairy Tales, first published in 1967 by Reader's Digest. Along with some of the classics in this genre, where the 'might makes right' formula applies, there are some stories with a different twist at the end (we especially recommend "The Golden-Headed Fish"). Since both types of tales are in the same book, it gives parents and children the opportunity to analyze each tale and talk about how the character's troubles were resolved. Another story that has a powerful message about facing our demons and thereby transforming them, for slightly older children, is A Wizard of Earthsea, by Ursula LeGuin.

This is a complex subject - we welcome your thoughts and the thoughts of all our readers!

Dear Bess and Bubby…

1. Dear Bess and Bubby,
When I leave the room, my two children, ages 6 and 8, often start arguing and fighting. What should I do? Worried in Washington.

Dear Worried,
Basically, you can play one of four roles when your children fight. You can be the Mediator, acting as a third and impartial party to help them work out whatever the issue is between them; you can be the Arbitrator, deciding for them the outcome of the dispute; you can be the Coach, reminding them of any earlier agreements the family might have made about how to resolve conflicts, supporting them in surfacing their feelings, asking questions that help them understand what they want and need in the moment, or encouraging specific behavioral options; or you can be the Fire Breathing Dragon, jumping in and getting all worked up and yelling and shouting yourself. (We don’t particularly recommend the latter option, though there are moments when you might be tempted...)

You will need to determine which role is most appropriate for your situation. Perhaps your kids are fussy because they are tired or over-stimulated, and need some time playing apart – a good moment for the Coach to emerge to encourage this option. Perhaps they are having a real dispute, and do need help finding a workable solution – call in the Mediator! If they seem to be fighting to get your attention (and you aren’t worried about anyone getting hurt), you might call out cheerfully from the next room, ‘I’m sure you can work it out!’ If you need to be the Arbitrator (especially in cases where physical injury is imminent or already a factor, or where your children are unable, for whatever reason, to work it out themselves), you can step in calmly, direct the players to their various corners (metaphorically speaking), and lay out the solution of your choice.

The long-term answer to your question is, of course, to have some agreements and expectations established while your children are very young about how you will speak to one another, what behaviors are and aren’t acceptable ‘in our family,’ and what methods you will use to negotiate disagreements. This gives your children a reliable reference point, and a set of boundaries that create the safe space everyone needs to be able to struggle and tussle with each other and come out the other end with more wisdom and more love.

[Here is a related question, though the circumstances are a bit different and call for slightly different response.]

2. Dear Bess and Bubby,
We have a toddler and a baby in the house. My oldest is jealous of the baby, and often pushes her away from me, or hits her (or kicks, bites, etc.). How can I help him deal with the changes in our lives and learn to control himself, and also protect the baby from harm? Upset in Utah.

Dear Upset,
Sibling rivalry is as old as the human family. This is something your children will have to deal with throughout their childhood (and for some, even beyond), so now is a good time to start. The long-term learning for your son is to manage his emotions in non-harmful ways, and the challenge for your daughter is not to see herself as a helpless victim. For both, it is that there is plenty of love to go around.

You don’t mention how old your son is, or how verbal. So here are a variety of responses you might try. No single response is the perfect one in every circumstance; you might find a combination of two or more work best in any given situation. You will have to use your judgment, but we do recommend as much consistency as possible. The bottom line is to remember that your job is to encourage your son to learn, not to punish him. This requires that you remain calm and firm in your own responses.

1. Your first duty, of course, is to protect your daughter from undue harm. You need to assess the degree of danger she may be in. We cannot shield our children from the normal hurts of life, but we can protect them from outright danger. If your son is swinging or hurling a sharp object in her direction, you need to remove the object and remove him or the baby from each other. If, on the other hand, he is pushing her aside and you are there to assure she doesn’t fall to the ground, that is another story.

2. Even a toddler can begin to learn to use words instead of hitting. Your job is to help him connect his inner experience (feelings) with his outer behavior. You want to validate the emotions – he’s entitled to them – while guiding him to more appropriate ways of expressing them externally. You will need to help him out with this until he is old enough to make the connection between emotions, words, and actions on his own.

Thus, you might want to reflect back to him his likely emotional state: “It seems you’re feeling like Mommy’s with baby more than you right now.” Or, “I bet you’re wanting Mommy’s full attention right now.” Or, “It’s hard to share Mommy with baby sometimes, isn’t it?” Then you will want to make the link with the behavior. “Pushing the baby is not the best way to get the attention you’re wanting from me right now.” Finally, you might suggest alternatives: “Let’s think of other ways you might let me know what you want.” Depending on his verbal skill level, you might suggest he use his words to tell you that he’s feeling left out, or you might have a special nonverbal signal he can use to signal his distress.

This approach will not necessarily stop his behavior at first, and you may feel a bit silly speaking this way without getting any response from him, but trust that you are laying a foundation for him to develop this emotional intelligence as he matures. The day he first acknowledges that yes, you have identified exactly how he is feeling, will be a day to celebrate indeed! (And by the way, sometimes just having our feelings acknowledged allows us to stop the attention-getting behavior.)

3. Your son is letting you know by his behavior that he feels left out or unloved. Your task, whatever else you may do, is to reassure him of your full and unconditional love and support. Even as you set boundaries, you can frame them in love: “I understand you want my full attention. Right now I also have to be with the baby. I love you so much; when the baby goes down for her nap in a little while how about if you and I spend some special time together, just us two?”

4. Start laying down core principles, even if they don’t seem to make sense to your child at this age. “In our family we don’t hurt each other. Can you share what you’re feeling in some other way?” Your ultimate goal here is to establish a peace culture in your home. Your children will integrate this culture the more they see it, hear about it, and practice it. It may take some time for your son to understand this, but trust us, your repeating the family values (“In our family we….”) will have a cumulative effect, and one day you will be delighted and surprised to hear him repeating this to his younger siblings or visiting friends!

5. Also, a toddler is old enough to begin to learn about apology and amends. We call it the ‘Ouch/Oops!’ cycle. When we are hurt, we say ‘ouch!’ That is the signal for the one who caused the hurt to say ‘Oops, I’m sorry!’ Your baby can’t say ‘ouch!’ on her own behalf yet, but you can say it for her, and encourage your son to complete the transaction with the apology. In this way, you don’t have to force or shame your child into an unfelt apology (‘Say you’re sorry, right now!’); the word ‘ouch’ becomes an automatic cue to stop and consider how one’s behavior is affecting others. We don’t actually expect your son to understand all this just yet, but again, if you start the process now he will soon learn it. Until he has it on his own, your job is to remind and encourage him – when we hurt someone, we apologize. The amends is the follow-up action to make things whole again. If he tears her bottle out of her hands, an “I’m sorry” is important but not enough; he also needs to give the bottle back to her.

6. We may feel tempted to pick our child up and carry him out of the room when he hurts his younger sibling. If done in anger, this can actually reward his intention of getting your attention (remember, children learn not to distinguish between positive and negative attention). If done in a positive way, such as taking yourself out of the room, it might be very useful. Remember, your reaction should not include a punishment or a banishment. Rather, it is an opportunity for your child to change his emotional state and feel better. “I see you’re having trouble being with me and the baby without hurting her. I love you so much, and want to be with both of you right now. Can you stay with us and be happy, or do I need to go to the other room for a while until you feel better?” When he feels better, he can rejoin the rest of the family and you can talk about what happened or figure out how to deal with the situation if it happens again. By you yourself taking the Time Out, especially if you are having strong reactions to his behavior that you would be sorry about acting on, you provide everyone with a pause, or a moment for things to shift. You can take the baby into another room, and let your son know you will come out again as soon as you are calm and ready. This is excellent modeling for how to deal with big feelings without hurting anyone else.

3. Dear Bess and Bubby,
My six year old went to full day camp this summer for the first time. He came home with some new language and some new behavior. Now he puts his sister down and calls her ‘stupid,’ rolls his eyes at me, mutters under his breath, and directly defies me. Should I just accept this as part of the “Boy Culture”? Help! Clueless in Claremont.

Dear Clueless,
What a wonderful moment your son is in! He is exploring the world around him, trying out new behaviors, seeing what kind of response he gets, and beginning the long process of figuring out where he fits in with his peers. And you, dear parent, get to go along for the ride! It’s kind of like when your child first learns to ride a tricycle, and then rides it around the corner and out of your sight for the first time. You’re in totally new territory now – together.

Start by checking in with your own feelings. Are you hooked into some familiar response (anger, helplessness, fear, disappointment) when he behaves in these new ways? The more you can release your feelings and judgments about what he’s doing, the more you will be able to be present to him as a guide and coach on his journey of exploration. Remember, this is not about you; it’s about him and how he is learning to be himself.

Rather than address the behavior head-on, initiate a general conversation about family values at a time when he is not engaged in his new behaviors. Remind him that all families have different ways of doing things, and that in our house, this is how we choose to speak and relate to each other, and why. Acknowledge his experience – “I see you’re trying out some new behaviors that you probably saw other kids do at camp. What did you notice there about how kids treated each other and the counselors? How was it different from how we are in this family? How did you feel?”

Let your son know you appreciate that he’s learning and seeing new things, and that we all try on new behaviors from time to time – that’s how we learn. At the same time, gently remind him that “in our family we choose to use gentle words and treat each other kindly. If you need help remembering that, I’ll be happy to help you.” The whole family might engage in a discussion about how to remind each other when someone has forgotten our norms.

You will never be able to protect your son totally from the influence of what you have so aptly called ‘Boy Culture,’ but you can establish and maintain a different culture in your own home, so that at least your children have something to refer to as they grow up and make their own decisions about who and how they are in the world. Happy travels, and do let us know what happens!

4. Dear Bess and Bubby,
I am a single Dad with two young children. One goes to daycare and the other started school this year. I find in the morning I’m under a lot of time pressure, and that I am the worst parent on the planet. I am so stressed out that I find myself yelling and snapping and saying things I don’t mean and instantly wish I could take back. This is not the kind of parent I want to be, and definitely not the peaceful environment I want in my home. Can you help? Irritable in Indiana

Dear Irritable,
This is a great opportunity to show your children that even Dad is learning and growing in his ability to speak respectfully and kindly to others. At a Family Meeting or other suitable setting, let your children know you are committed to changing your behavior in the morning. Freely admit that you find yourself angry and irritable from the time pressure, and apologize for how you are taking it out on others through yelling and inappropriate language. Ask for their help. Turn it from your problem (though you take responsibility for your behavior) to something the family can solve together. You will give your children a great gift by turning the tables and inviting them to help you be more peaceful!

Since you have identified the issue as time pressure, and not as a basic underlying predisposition to snarkiness, we suggest you enroll the family in working together to expand the time at either end (thereby reducing the pressure) for getting everyone out the door in the morning. Talk about what can be accomplished in the evening before bed; or consider getting up earlier in the morning. Your children are old enough to help – they can select and lay out their clothes the night before, or be involved in making their own lunches. Look too for ways the older child can help the younger one, perhaps with getting washed or dressed.

What a terrific chance to practice the old saw, ‘Let peace being with me!’

5. Dear Bess and Bubby,
I am at the end of my rope, so I hope you can help me. My three year old is having temper tantrums. Nothing I do seems to help – I ignore her, I hold and cuddle her, I tell her she won’t get to watch television, I tell her she’s too old for this, all without success. She yells, throws herself on the ground, kicks and screams. I am about ready to go out of my mind. Any suggestions? Tired out in Texas.

Dear Tired Out,
Before you address how to deal with your daughter’s tantrums, let’s look at the possible causes. Is there a pattern? Do they seem to happen at the same time every day? After eating certain foods? Are certain events (bedtime, Mommy leaving for work, etc.) triggering them? If you can find such a pattern, you might be able to head off the tantrums by changing the external conditions.

There are basically two approaches to responding to tantrums. One is when the behavior is a power play, and your daughter is using her behavior to command your attention or otherwise get what she wants. In this approach, you would walk away and gently say, “I’ll be happy to talk with you when you’re ready. I’ll be right here in the next room.” Then say no more until she stops screaming. Or give her the same message without leaving the room, but in any case do not engage – by reacting, judging, threatening, blaming, attempting to ‘fix’ her, or in any other way. Let her know that you are there for her, but not as a participant in a power struggle.

At other times it’s important to help your child feel safe when she’s out of control. This could lead to cuddling, perhaps whispering some gentle love words in her ear. Then you might attempt to redirect her energy into words. “It’s hard to understand what you want when you’re screaming. I can hear you better when you say more quietly what you need right now. Can you calm down so you can tell me what’s going on?” Then stay with her – without restraining her – until she does get quieter.

At a time when she is calm, you might want to raise the issue of the tantrums as a mystery you’d like her help in solving. The basic idea is to help her find words for her inner experience, and then figure out the most effective ways to communicate that experience to you. You will have to be attentive to that fine line between talking about what she wants and getting what she wants. Toddlers are self-oriented. They want what they want when they want it! This is the perfect age, though, to begin to teach basic negotiation skills, so that your daughter learns that getting what she wants is a process of interaction, discussion, and relationship.

By the way, both approaches to tantrums can be effective, so you might want to experiment with what feels right for you, what seems right in the moment, and what works best with your daughter. Good luck!

6. Dear Bess and Bubby,
My six year-old, Jack, has made friends with the roughest, biggest trouble-maker in the first-grade. His name is Ryan and he is out of control. I don’t know why Jack is drawn to such a friend but I do not want to encourage this friendship. The hard part is that Jack asks me again and again if we can invite Ryan over for a play-date. I don’t want to do it, but Jack gets so disappointed when I say “no”. He asks me why, and I make up excuses. What should I do instead?? Mystified in Minneapolis.

Dear Mystified,
Your children will interact with all kinds of people in their lives, and they need to learn to make their own independent choices. Also, the more you say ‘no’ the more Jack will insist. We suggest you invite Ryan over, and treat him like you would any other of Jack’s friends. After all, we know that children respond to how adults view them. If you tell yourself that Ryan is a bad apple, he is more likely to be one. But if you leave yourself room to be surprised, you might find that Ryan is relieved and pleased to be in a household where there are clear boundaries and norms of kindness and caring.

This way, if your worst fears are realized, and Jack becomes more aggressive through his relationship with Ryan, you will at least have some shared data that you can refer to in your discussions with Jack. The over-arching goal, remember, is to be assisting Jack in making choices about his values, and about the people he wants to be around. This is a skill Jack will need all his life; he will never learn if he doesn’t experiment. Six years old is not too early to start!

7. Dear Bess and Bubby,
My daughter Rose, who is 11, is having a very difficult time with her friends. She used to be best friends with Tasha and Marie, but now they exclude her, call her names, and make fun of her in front of the other kids. Rose is heart-broken, and often comes home from school in tears. How can I help her? Tearful in Takoma.

Dear Tearful,
Oh how well we remember this one! Having lived both sides of this dynamic in our youth (not that long ago…) – the excluded and the excluder – we can certainly empathize with Rose, and with you for having to stand by helplessly and witness her pain.

Your job is to help Rose maintain her sense of self-esteem throughout this process. It is hard to feel love-able, wanted, and worthy when your best friends turn on you. You can help her understand that this is not about her; that there is nothing about who she is or what she has or hasn’t done to merit such treatment. (Unless of course she has betrayed a secret, talked down one of her friends behind her back, or committed some other friendship-breaking act, in which case she might want to apologize...)

A big piece of this all-too-common dynamic is power. Boys test their power with peers through aggression and daring; girls do it more subtly. If you can help Rose find her inner place of power now, it will serve her well all her life. What would make her feel more powerful in this situation - to tell Marie and Tasha her feelings? To invite one or the over and attempt to make independent relationships with each? To find another friend or otherwise widen her social circle? To develop a new hobby?

Above all, this is a critical time in Rose’s life to make sure she can talk with you about what is happening, what she is feeling, and what will help. You need to listen, be present, be helpful, but not take on the pain or encourage any victim mentality. Sometimes simple, non-reactive listening is what a girl needs to figure the situation out. They, together, you can craft a plan that feels right to Rose. Helping your daughter become proactive in a time of hurt is one of the greatest gifts you can give her.

[Here are two questions that deal with similar issues, so we have bundled them together.]

8. Dear Bess and Bubby,
I am trying very hard to have a nonviolent home, but my son is very interested in war toys and violent action figures – basically anything that has the potential for gruesome, gory, bloody or destructive action. Please don’t tell me not to buy these things, because he has his own money, saved up from allowance and birthday gifts. I’ve run out of ideas. Please help me! Disgusted in Delaware.

10. Dear Bess and Bubby,
I have a boy who is almost 13, and he is an avid computer game player. Almost all the games he and his friends are interested in (or that are sold for that matter) are centered around violent, aggressive behavior, e.g., enemies, empire-building, dueling, space wars, etc. He spends hours every day literally blowing people up! If I want to raise a peaceful child, what do I do---keep him away from his friends, deny him the opportunity of playing video games??? Help! At a Loss in Atlanta.

Dear Disgusted and At a Loss,
It is true that the society in which our boy children are growing up is one that glorifies war and promotes a testosterone-fueled love affair with violence. The bad news is – after a certain age, you cannot completely protect your sons from exposure to this culture. It is everywhere around them, from toys to television shows; from movies to music; from real war games on the news to video war games in the home. The good news is – you can mitigate the effects of this culture by establishing and maintaining a different set of norms and values in your own home. You can also help your sons think critically about what they see, hear, and do.

We start with the premise that you have already laid a foundation for ‘how we do things in our family.’ You have already, we hope, created some expectations about how we speak to and treat each other, using our words instead of our bodies to express anger, how we solve conflicts, and our choice not to hurt each other through words or actions. Next, you have ideally started at an early age to help your children develop what is often called emotional intelligence, meaning the capacity to identify and talk about what they are feeling. And, you have created a climate in the home where anything is ‘talk-able.’ [If you haven’t established this culture in your home, it is never too late to do so. Please read our Workbook, entitled “How to Raise a Peaceful Child in a Violent World,” available from www.thepeacecompany.com]

That said, here are five things to consider:
1. As we said in our earlier answer about ‘Boy Culture,’ it exists; deal with it. It is not helpful to you or your son to pretend the culture of violence in our society doesn’t exist, or to imagine that you can shield your child from it totally. You may lament its existence, but you may not excoriate your son for participating in it. Not all boys are drawn into it, and some seem to be caught in it at certain times in their lives, only to walk away from it later. If, or in this case, when your son is engaged in the excitement of violence as play or entertainment, you can accept that that is where he is without condoning or condemning. That’s just where he is. You have to start from where you are. As a friend of ours says, “You can’t get there from not here.”

2. Part of what’s so attractive about these toys and games is that they excite, stimulate, give a sense of power, and produce an adrenalin rush. Also, they provide an outlet for your son to do something with his energy that brings him immediate, visible and, in some strange way, pleasurable effects. One approach you can take is to provide an alternative outlet that produces similar results. Many parents have found that the martial arts satisfy this need. Although they too are about fighting (except for Aikido, the martial art of harmony, which we strongly recommend), they are also about discipline, respect, and managing your energy responsibly. Sports might be another such outlet, or some kind of physically-active hobby.

3. These war toys over-emphasize the masculine energy that is a natural part of your son’s biological make-up. Testosterone is real! Part of your job is to make sure the feminine energy inherent in your son is also activated. A true culture of peace is grounded in a dynamic balance of the masculine/feminine principles. Our current culture of violence is clearly tipped way too far to one side. Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is none other than to do in your own home what, collectively, we in the movement for a culture of peace are attempting to do in society as a whole, and that is to re-establish that sacred interplay and balance of yin/yang, masculine/feminine. So what can you do to energize the feminine qualities in your son’s persona? How can you encourage other activities that help him develop compassion, empathy, inclusiveness, relationship, receptivity, nurturing, and intuition? Don’t collude with the dominant society that calls this ‘sissifying;’ remember, your work as a parent committed to raising a peaceful child is about creating new patterns for a new society. Be proud, be brave, be determined!

4. It’s okay for you to have your values and your beliefs, and to set boundaries, as a parent, that you feel are in the best interest of your whole family. You can be clear with your son that you personally don’t like games of violence, and give your reasons (because they glorify hurting rather than helping, they teach aggression and force as solutions to problems instead of working things out, etc.) Therefore, you can set personal boundaries around this.

For instance, you might choose not to spend your money buying violent games and toys. If your son has his own money, or get these things as gifts, or through trades with his friends, fine, that’s his choice. You choose not to have them played in your personal space, or the family’s shared space. If your son wants to play these games in his space – his bedroom, or a part of the house you all agree to as suitable for this activity – fine. All of this is done matter-of-factly, without the slightest hint of guilt-tripping on your part. That’s just how it is – you have certain values that are important to you, and you are helping your family steep in these values because that is your job as a parent. Your children are entitled to have different views. As a family, you negotiate your differences based on certain ‘givens.’ If you can set these limits with genuine respect (without anger or disgust or devaluing what the games mean to your son), then again you are modeling the peaceful acceptance of differences.

5. Lastly, we invite you to turn your concerns about your sons’ involvement with games of violence into excitement about the teachable moments this situation presents! Yes, you can find wonderful and creative ways to use these games and toys as an opportunity to explore critical issues of human life - the nature of good and evil, the difference between make-believe and real life, the distinction between personal and impersonal, and your son’s direct experience of his feelings and his energy. The secret, again, is not to react but to engage.

Ask questions: “Oh, you seem to really enjoy that game. What do you find exciting about it?” “How come the good guy always wins? What’s the difference between the good guy and the bad guy anyway? If the bad guy is hurting people and needs to be stopped, how come the good guy is using violence to stop him?” “How do you feel when you blow up (shoot, stab, kill, destroy, etc.) the enemy?” “How do you feel when someone hurts you? Have you ever seen a real person hurt like that?” “Would you like to be a soldier when you grow up, and use real weapons? Why/why not?” Etc.

Help your son make a personal connection to the reality of war and violence, and its effects. Perhaps take him on a family field trip to a Civil War battlefield, a World War I or II cemetery, a Vietnam War Memorial, the former site of a slave market, a Veterans’ Hospital, the Holocaust Museum in Washington DC, or Ground Zero in New York City. Or, if appropriate, tell stories about violence that was perpetrated against your family or your ancestors, and the effect that has had on your life. As a counterweight, explore the teachings of your particular faith tradition, or of moral leaders you hold in high esteem, that demonstrate nonviolence as a spiritual and/or a practical method of social change.

In short, without making it a morality lesson (“You’re playing those vile games so I have to teach you what violence is really like!”), use your son’s interest in these activities as a doorway to explore with him some of the most vital issues facing the human family today.

Finally, not to scare you but to alert you, we want you to know that studies show there is, in many but not all cases, a correlation between watching violence or playing violent games with aggressive behavior. Be on the look-out for this with your son, and if you see it, bring it to his attention, again without blame or shame, so he can begin to monitor his own experience.

10. Dear Bess and Bubby,
Our children were deeply upset by the events of September 11, and they have not yet gotten over their fear. They are now 10 and 12, and ask every morning at breakfast if there have been any more terrorist attacks overnight. They are very safety-conscious – almost too much so. If they are home alone for any period of time (a necessity due to our work schedules), they call frequently – ‘just to check in.’ They have heard about the Columbine school massacre, and are asking lots of questions I cannot answer. How can I help them come to terms with the awful reality of terrorism and mass violence in our world? Concerned in Connecticut.

Dear Concerned,
Your children are expressing openly what many adults are feeling as well: “How can we ever feel safe in a world where some individuals are eager to slaughter as many people as they can? How could such terrible things happen? How can we live like this, with no control over when or where it might happen next?” Getting their fears and questions out in the open can be the first step, even if you don’t have any good answers for them.

The life lesson here is being able to feel the fear but not let it control or cripple your life. It is scary that planes can fly into buildings when you least expect it, or that someone can pull an automatic rifle out from their coat or press a button on their belt and obliterate a whole room full of people. Learning to live in a world we cannot control is a hard lesson for all of us. It is also an opportunity, to find power in our powerlessness, a sense of possibility in our helplessness, and a determination to work for a world where this kind of horror cannot happen again.

Your job is to provide an environment for your children that feels as safe as possible physically while walking that fine line between being careful and being paranoid; being courageous and being foolhardy. Thus at the practical level you may want curfews, rules about relating to strangers, check-in times by phone, etc.

Emotionally, you need to provide a safe environment for everyone to talk about their concerns and how these fears are affecting their lives. Give your children plenty of love and reassurance, without making unrealistic promises that you cannot keep or going the other way and energizing their worries. One approach is to ground your discussions with them in data that might be helpful. For instance, the numerical odds of your children being victims of a terrorist attack are very slim. Why did the boys in Columbine do what they did? Why is there a strong anti-American feeling in some parts of the world these days? Talk about current events in a matter-of-fact way – this is happening, let’s try to make sense of it as best we can.

Pose the challenge to your children: “We cannot stop these terrorists on our own, but what can we do, with ourselves, in our family, in our school, in our neighborhood, to make a difference?” The more you encourage your children to feel that ability in themselves to do something pro-actively, the more they will feel able to take back their power and live a rich and full life in spite of what is happening around them.

11. Dear Bess and Bubby,
I have a daughter in Middle School who is literally terrified to go to school each day. She reports that there is a group of girls in her class who are very ‘tough.’ They fight with each other physically, and taunt the other girls. My daughter is young for her age, slightly built, and shy. She is scared these girls will hurt her, and I am concerned her fear may draw their attention. So far nothing has actually happened to her, but I am not happy about the climate in the school, and I don’t want her to have to live with this fear every day. It’s not fair to her and the other kids who want to learn to have to be exposed to these girls who just want to make trouble. I have already talked to the principal, and he is aware of the problem, but so far nothing has changed. What can I do? Feeling Helpless in Hartford.

Dear Feeling Helpless,
Remember those ads years ago where a muscle man proudly proclaims “I was a 90 pound weakling!?” We’re not recommending your daughter start weight lifting (although if she wants to…), but we are suggesting you can help her bulk up on courage and self-assurance. You are right to believe that fear attracts violence. The more powerful she feels, the less of a potential victim she will become.

Her sense of personal power at this age can come from four directions: her self, her peers, her parents and her school. Let’s consider each of these.

Your daughter may be a good candidate for martial arts or self-defense classes. These can enhance her self-esteem and give her confidence that she can care of herself. With this new self-confidence, she need not walk the halls in fear any longer. At the level of peers, you might want to help your daughter develop a group of friends she trusts to hang out with. There is safety in numbers, but beyond that, she will not feel so vulnerable if she is safely ensconced in her own social group and busy having fun.

At the network level, your job is to connect with other parents. If your daughter is facing this situation, likely other girls her age are also. Talk with other parents, see what they are doing; join forces and work together with the school for creative solutions. When the principal sees that he has parental support, he will be more amenable to taking action.

Be careful, in your work with the school, that the approach be compassionate and constructive, not punitive. Remember, the so-called ‘tough’ girls are hurting too, and doing the best they can to figure out who they are at this age, just like everyone else. While of course there need to be boundaries set around unacceptable behavior, the school will also want to find ways to include and involve these girls in positive ways. What are they interested in? What do they have in common with your daughter and her friends? What might they do together that would engage them all and break down the stereotyped barriers that are fast developing?

In short, if you focus on danger and fear, you energize it. Focus instead on empowerment, encouragement, and engagement, and you will be doing everyone the favor of a lifetime, literally.

12. Dear Bess and Bubby,
My children go to an elementary school that has a nice racial and ethnic mix. There are children there from many different countries, and probably more people of color than white children. We are a mixed-race family, and are pleased to live in a neighborhood where our kids can relate to many different kinds of people, including others who look like them. However, all this diversity has not led to harmony. In fact, there are several cliques that seem to be formed along racial lines, and these groups stick together and don’t much interact with the others. The other day, my oldest, in the 6th grade, told us that he almost got into a fight on the playground because a group of white kids was making racially-demeaning comments about a group of mostly African-American 5th-grade girls that included his younger sister. We want our children to grow up proud of who they are, without having to fight about it. How do we deal with this? Fed up in Phoenix.

Dear Fed Up,
Alas, the wounds of our national history with slavery are still festering in our society. The journey toward racial harmony is a long one, with peaks and valleys, and is not over yet. Your children are finding out that it falls on their young shoulders to carry forward the work of many who have gone before, those known to us, like Martin Luther King, Jr., and those unknown to us – the countless individuals whose names we will never know, who have found ways to counter racism with dignity and pride.

The answer we can give here is similar to the one we gave to the preceding question, namely that you need to deal with this situation on several levels.

Starting with your son, you should congratulate him on being responsive to racial harassment without resorting to violence. It was great that he called those boys correct without a fight! You will also want to speak with your daughter and give her a chance to say how it was for her. Both children together can give a good picture of what was happening and how they were feeling, and then you can move to a problem-solving discussion on how to handle such situations should they arise in the future. You might even role play various scenarios, to help all your children find things to say and do in the face of such behavior, nonviolently and with dignity, that makes it clear the behavior is inappropriate and unacceptable.

Dealing with racism is not your children’s responsibility alone. It is a communal imperative, and so you need to engage the school and the parents. Being a highly diverse school community, no doubt the administration has already given some thought to this and has some policies, and – hopefully – some structures in place. First, inform yourself as to what already exists, and then inform the principal about what is actually happening in the children’s lives. Was this incident a one-off, unusual event, or is it part of a widespread pattern? Talk with other parents to hear about their children’s experiences with racial and ethnic differences. The individual boys involved need to be held accountable, of course, but the whole system also needs to use this incident to evolve and improve its handling of racial tensions.

We suggest you work together, through the PTA or in other parent-school forums, to insure that the children of this community are not just physically in a diverse environment but are mining that opportunity to learn and grow in respect and appreciation of our differences, and to transcend the historical patterns of intolerance and prejudice. Someday, perhaps, none of this will be necessary, but for now, the journey continues…

More About Bess and Bubby…

Bess (Elizabeth Slade) and Bubby (Louise Diamond) are the co-authors of this advice column and of the related workbook, How to Raise a Peaceful Child in a Violent World.

Elizabeth (Bess) has been a Montessori educator for 15 years. She is currently working in an urban setting in a public Montessori school, where she supports teachers and administrators as the school moves from a traditional teaching approach to a Montessori methodology. She has three children: Isaac, who is eight years old; Jasper, who is nearly four; and Jennifer Bella, who is six months. Elizabeth lives with her partner and their children in Western Massachusetts, where they all work and pray for Peace. She writes:

“I have some very personal reasons for participating in this project. I am the mother of two sons and one daughter in a culture which says boys are aggressive by nature and girls are victims of that aggression. I say ‘not so.’ I believe that within every person is the seed of a peacekeeper. I want my children to know and express that part of their nature that openly loves, respects, and nurtures others. I want each of them to be a force for peace, not war.

As I watch my children growing up, I see that changing the culture is possible, and that my change is the key to their understanding of the world. I have found that my thoughts, words, and deeds do have an impact, and that love and limits are, together, a way to nourish that peacekeeper within.

After many years as a classroom teacher, working with parents and children, I have witnessed the incredible ability of this population to create and promote positive change. Parents are passionate and courageous people, and I think that they can truly be the organizing force to take back our culture from the media and the marketing world and make it something that will bring benefit for future generations. Peaceful Parenting is possible, and it will undoubtedly produce a more peaceful next generation. If enough parents choose to change the culture in their own home, it will inevitably change the culture around us.”

Louise (Bubby) is the founder of The Peace Company, a Vermont-based company whose mission is to foster a culture of peace by making peace popular, practical, and profitable. She was the co-founder of The Institute of Multi-Track Diplomacy, where she worked around the world for over a decade to train and support peacebuilders in places of ethnic and regional conflict. Louise has written three previous books on peace. She is an internationally known public speaker and conference presenter on issues of peace and peacebuilding. She writes:

“My passion for this project grows out of my 15 years as a professional peacebuilder in places of deep-rooted conflict around the world. In Bosnia, Liberia, the Middle East, Cyprus, Sri Lanka, and elsewhere, I have witnessed first hand the unspeakable consequences of a culture of violence left to spiral out of control from generation to generation. I do not want that for my grandchildren, or for any child, anywhere.

I have also seen the undaunted spirit of peace emerge from the ashes of these wars. I have been privileged to know people from all walks of life, and all ages, who have chosen to bring love where there is hatred, courage where there is fear, and healing where there is woundedness. I have seen these bridge-builders reach out to those traditionally seen as ‘enemy’ – first by reaching inside to tap their own potential for peace – often at great personal cost in a setting where the culture says ‘the other’ is and always will be ‘the enemy.’ It is this potential that I want to nourish in our children.

For these reasons, I am dedicated to helping establish a culture of peace, starting right here in my own society – which is, after all, the pre-eminent exporter of culture around the world. As I look around for those individuals or groups best suited to leverage this process of transformative social change, I see the incredible collective power of parents, and so I choose to open the conversation there. Peace truly does begin at home.

My own parenting days are long past. My daughter Molly is herself a mom, of Sebastian (three years old) and Hanna (one year old). I am also proud to be considered ‘honorary Bubby (grandma)’ to Elizabeth’s three children. As a grandmother, then, this project is a personal journey for me as well. I want to make a difference in the world my grandchildren will inherit. I want my grandchildren – and yours – to know peace as ‘the way things are.’